JANE: lf someone had asked me not long ago...
... why I thought men left women and never came back...
...l would have said this:
New cow.
The New Cow Theory was born of a broken heart.
It came to me while reading about male behavior in The New York Times. . .
... which chronicled a fascinating study...
...on the mating preferences of the male cow.
First, a bull was presented with...
...a cow.
They mated.
The next day, the bull was presented with the same cow.
The bull wasn 't interested. He wanted New Cow.
And this was Old Cow.
To see if they could trick the bull, scientists used an ingenious ploy.
The Old Cow was smeared with New Cow scent.
But he was no fool.
This wasn 't New Cow. This was just Old Cow incognito.
Old cow in sheep 's clothing. Mutton dressed as lamb.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
To understand the theory and how it took over my life...
... you need to hear the whole story.
When I met Ray, I was booking talent for The Diane Roberts Show. . .
...a New York talk show that hadjust been syndicated.
We'd been given a small window of opportunity to prove ourselves.
We're back with Mary Lou Corkle, conservative activist. . .
. . .who's here to talk about her new book, The Nest Crisis.
One of your central arguments. . .
. . .is to blame society's problems on working mothers.
JANE: Diane wanted to reach her audience...
...by appealing to both their understimulated brains...
...and their overstimulated appetite for tabloids.
Ambition's blinded these women to familial duties.
So, doing what I do makes me unfit for motherhood.
We make our own beds, don't we?
That is true. Who makes your kids' beds. . .
. . .while you've been out selling your book these past three months?
JANE: Myjob was to supply a steady diet of raw meat...
... to sate Diane's Emmy-clad ambitions.
Hi, Donald, we've gone national. We've started a new format.
Major exposure. It's perfect for Hillary.
She'd be among the first. Trust me, everyone wants on.
JANE: My only colleague was writer, producer and womanizer, Eddie Alden.
-How we doing? -Publisher's having a coronary.
-That good? -You book them, I cook them.
Right on. Yeah.
Thank you, we're talking to Mary Lou Corkle. . . .
Any progress with Cuba? Well, just keep trying.
This Castro thing's gonna kill me. She won't let it go.
-Forget Castro. Get a creative angle. -Such as?
-Elena de la Goya. -Who?
One of the women the CIA hired to kill him in the '60s.
-This is a smoke-free building. -Blow me.
The CIA created a "scent of death" oil that smelled like perfume.
She'd wear it, he'd kiss and lick--
-Don't editorialize. -Sorry. He was supposed to croak. . . .
JANE: Eddie could find the sex factor in almost any subject.
He considered this a gift.
-You forgot these earrings. -You don't waste any time.
-Cynic. -Slut.
JANE: lf Eddie was enough to make me lose hope in men...
MAN: Got a minute? -...it only took one to bring it back.
EDDIE: Hey, Ray. -We haven't met yet. I'm Ray Brown.
EDDIE: Our new executive producer. -From Washington.
I saw your piece for Newsline. That was brilliant.
Thank you. We just did a follow-up. That's why I'm late.
I'd better scoot. Jane, want me to turn up the AC?
You look a little flushed.
Okay.
-Jane Goodale. RAY: I know.
Interesting. People must confuse you with the scientist.
-They ask if I'm into chimps. -Are you?
-Maybe Curious George when I was 5. -He was a monkey, not a chimp.
-He knows his primates. -I do. See you around.
I heard Lynne Cheney's people are difficult.
They fear it'll turn into an abortion debate.
-Which is right. -Of course.
Say Diane won't bring it up, and plant someone to initiate it during Q and A.
You came to the right show, Ray Brown.
WOMAN: So he's cute? JANE: Very.
WOMAN: Care to elaborate?
Pale blue eyes, athletic, sort of J. Crew, but not as preppy.
-That guy again. -You gonna buy anything or not?
-Shush, I'm concentrating. -Okay.
-Marital status? -Girlfriend.
-Why are we having this talk? -Right. It's too much work.
Even if I were up for it, he'd probably end up marrying her.
Wow! There's the cynical bitch I know and love.
Case closed. I'm leaving this one alone.
-Feeling carnivorous? -Absolutely.
What else should I know about you?
Apart from your addiction to processed foods. . .
. . .much to the chagrin of your girlfriend. . .?
Dee.
Whom you've been dating now for. . .?
-Three years. -Three--
Excuse me. Three years. Wow.
That's more serious than I would have guessed, you know, off the cuff.
I guess. Think you'll ever get to the moment where you just know it's right?
That's it? That's the person you're meant to be with forever?
Probably.
JANE: God, he was cute.
JANE: It's me! WOMAN: We're in here.
-Just jab it in! -Don't rush me!
-What's going on? -Your sister started on injections.
-Of orange juice? -Fertility drugs, Jane.
The orange is for practice.
If you can't stick it into a Valencia, what about my ass?
If it's not done right, we'll lose another month.
-That's supposed to be my job. -See how easy it is?
This is an emotional time and you're sucking the romance out of it.
We kissed romance goodbye when you started jacking off into a cup weekly.
STEPHEN: Leave my sperm count out of it!
Chubby Hubby?
ALICE: I'll look at the dirty magazines with you.
That's great, just great. Very nice! Very grown up.
NINA: At least one of us is.
Morning.
Don't bother. I already know you're an asshole.
You always complain about your small place. Move in with me.
-You can't be serious. -Why not?
I only meet hip successful types. I want someone like you.
-Gee, thanks. -This would be strictly financial.
-I've no interest in you that way. -What a relief.
-Is that a no? -Actually, it's a:
"Thanks, but not if my life depended on it. "
[PHONE RINGS]
-Hello. RAY: You up for a walk?
-What? -What?
I was just gonna--
I can't speak. You say something.
No, no, don't. Do you think I'm insane?
Not at all.
I was thinking how good my place looks with you in it.
RECEPTIONIST: M Magazine. -Let's start again.
You ate Cocoa Puffs, then a couple cartoons. . . .
-A Tweety and a Road Runner. -Then more kissing.
-Right. -Okay, go on.
We got ready for work. I walked him to the door and-- Morning.
-Big finale-type kiss before leaving? -Exactly.
-That's good. Very good, considering. -Considering what?
Considering he's picked out his wife!
I told you, they're having problems. They're not engaged.
Yet. He sounds like a prospect, so here's what you do.
Pretend she doesn 't exist. Never mention her name.
-If he mentions her, you nod politely. -Why?
If you bring her up, he'll feel pushed. This way it's like, "No pressure. "
-It'll drive him nuts. -Where do you get this?
Snag-men-dot-com. It's very informative.
-God. -Read the papers.
Twenty-three-year-old women are lying about their age.
Miss "I have a crush so I'm in denial," get on your game!
What do I do now when I see him in my staff meeting in five minutes?
That's easy. Pretend he doesn't exist.
Good morning, Eddie.
-What is on your neck? -I bit myself shaving.
-Isn't that why God made turtlenecks? -It's why God made Darlene.
You are so gross.
-Hey, Eddie. Hi, Jane. EDDIE: Hey, Ray.
Hey, Ray, good morning.
You okay? You look a little tired.
Evelyn. Straw.
Okay. I'm late. I know. I'm sorry.
I locked myself out of the apartment. Nightmare. The only reason I'm here. . .
. . .is because of Habib. Nicest cabdriver in this city.
-Who saw ABC's 4 a.m. newscast? -I think a lot of us missed that.
It told how single media outlets aren't working. Where are we on interactive?
-The web site should be up Monday. -Not should be, will be!
We cannot sell this show on the budget they gave. We need streaming 24/7.
And we need to make every show count. Remember. . .
-. . .it is all about the get. -The get.
We cannot make a splash if we get the gets everybody's already gotten.
-I need the ungettable get. -Got it.
Good.
Okay, where are we on Fidel?
I spoke with Juanita, his foreign press secretary. . .
. . .who assured me that the moment. . .
...el presidente was back from his fantasy baseball camp. . .
-. . .she would ask him about it. -Did she imply interest?
DIANE: Did she discuss availability? Do we have a shot?
-Jane! -Sorry.
What do you think your chances are of getting him?
I think they're good, Diane. I think they're very good.
Just a minute.
Sorry. I thought I'd just do a few sit-ups.
Joy: the emotion evoked by the prospect of possessing one's desires.
Rapture: the experience of being carried away by emotion or passion.
Ecstasy: a state of being beyond reason and self-control.
I cannot feel my legs. Tell me what we're doing.
We're coming up for air.
-Besides I owe you a shirt. -Hey, that's a good idea.
-Blue? -Yeah.
This one's pretty. With your eyes.
Could be risky, given your impatience with buttons.
-I love it. -My treat.
No, no, no, Jane--
-Shut up. Let me buy you a shirt. -Thank you.
-Hey, guys. -Eddie! Hey.
-What are you doing? -I just. . . .
-She's helping me pick a shirt. -Yeah!
-Well, I didn't mean to intrude. -Not at all, please.
I gotta go to a thing. Great running into you.
-Both of you! My God. -See you.
-All right. -Okay.
What a coincidence. First I run into Ray, and then you.
I didn't even know he lived around here and there he is!
Okay, so I am sleeping with him.
If you tell anyone at the office, so help me God. . . .
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking the same thing you are.
Happily ever after with your matching Volvos and chocolate Labs.
-See you Monday. -Did you have friends growing up?
I think he's waiting down the street.
I love you, Jane.
I love you too.
LIZ: He just said it after only six weeks?
Oh, my God. It takes most guys a year to use the "L" word.
When they do, they're usually on top of you, so it doesn't count.
-What about Dee? -He's telling her tomorrow.
-Why didn't he already? -It's complicated.
If he had second thoughts, I don't think he'd ask me to live with him.
He asked you to live with him? My God. What did you say?
Yes. He started calling realtors, and I gave my landlord notice.
Wow! Mazel tov. I can't believe this!
You're getting asked to play house, and I'm on hell's blind-date circuit.
-I take it last night didn't go well. -Awful.
When Julian offers one of his straight friends, shoot me before I say yes.
I'm in a sad state.
And I'm telling you, it's just screaming "potential. " Hello?
-I didn't mean to intrude. -We're fine.
Didn't you want to see the patio?
Isn't it just wonderful? Wait till you see the view, it's spectacular.
Right down to the World Trade Center.
It's such a jewel box.
I guess I'll leave you two alone to talk things over.
-Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. -I love it!
The light is so good. I love you.
I don't know.
I gotta go. He looks like he's been hit by a bus.
I'll call you back.
-I feel like I've been hit by a bus. -You told her?
-Was it bad? -Not like I thought.
I mean, she didn't go hysterical or anything like that.
She was just, you know, eerily calm about the whole thing.
-Well, that's good, right? -Yeah. I just meant--
-It wasn't what I expected, is all. -What did she say about us?
I didn't tell her. I just didn't think it was necessary.
To hit her over the head with this after three years, it just seemed. . .
. . .so awful. I just told her that it was over.
And I think that's all she needs to know.
Sure. And she was okay with that?
I guess. I don't know. It was weird. She just kind of. . . .
You know, she just kind of went cold on me.
I mean, she's upset.
She's upset, the poor thing. She's gotta be upset.
She didn't seem terribly upset so. . . .
-Well, you're okay with it, right? -Mm-hm.
-I mean, you're happy? -Happy.
I am so happy. I mean, this is what I wanted.
I mean, there's nothing between us anymore.
That's what I was looking for, so I'm happy.
JANE: How exactly did Ray disappear?
Slowly and kind of subtly.
-Single pane, double pane? REALTOR: Single pane, I believe.
Singles, wow. A lot more sun than I had recalled.
This doesn't open? Oh, well, gotta force it.
JANE: Well, maybe it wasn 't so subtle.
It's me again. The realtor said we have to sign the lease by Monday.
I know you wanted your lawyer to look at the contract. . .
. . .but my apartment's been rented. I have to be out--
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
He's not sleeping with somebody else.
Ray isn't like that. The poor guy wouldn't have time.
He's been working until 3 a.m. every night.
All guys have time to mess around.
If he ain't sleeping with you, he ain't sleeping alone. Right?
You gotta talk to him. It's better than not knowing.
-Oh, come on. -Sorry, this patch is worth shit.
NARRATOR: Prey species have developed a wide variety of escape behaviors.
Freezing is a common response to predator alarm.
Sensing danger, many animals will assume a rigid, statue-like position.
Fleeing is another popular method.
Some species will try to outrun their captors...
... while others take an erratic zigzag course...
...in the hopes that direction shifts will tire the predator...
...causing her to give up the chase.
Smell the bacon, Jane?
What's happening here? We haven't been alone in a week.
We lost that apartment because your lawyer supposedly messed up. . .
. . .which is okay, but as of Saturday I don't have a home.
Ray, what the hell's going on?
I don't think I can do this.
-Do what? -This.
-Us. -What?
Why?
-I don't know? -What do you mean, you don't know?
-There has to be a reason. Tell me. -Jane, I'm sorry.
You deserve an answer, and I don't think I can explain.
I thought we felt the same way:
Incredibly lucky to have found the thing.
-I do. I did. WAITRESS: And here you go.
I just think that we both need to take a step back.
I mean we're talking about a very serious move here.
I just wanted-- I still. . . .
-I don't know what I'm trying to say. -I feel like such a jerk.
-Believing that this was-- -Listen to me, I love you.
I want us to be important to each other.
Please don't do that.
Please go.
JANE: There are few things sadder in this life...
... than watching someone walk away after they've left you.
Watching the distance between your bodies expand until there's nothing...
...but empty space and silence.
Remember, time wounds all heels.
Hi.
-Are you all right? -Why, don't I look all right?
-You look like you hate my guts. -I do.
That's nice.
I don't blame you. This hasn't been easy for me either.
Yeah, you look really destroyed.
Eddie, did you by any chance ever find a roommate?
Well, no, actually.
The place I was supposed to move into suddenly fell apart.
My apartment's been re-rented. Is the offer still good?
-You're moving in with Eddie? -What's the apartment like?
It's a two-bedroom. Kitchen. Lots of windows. Living room.
That sounds amazing. When can I see it?
-You're moving in with Eddie? -How about tonight?
Perfect. Everything is just perfect.
-You okay? -Yeah.
-Here it is. -It's huge.
Yep. Here's the kitchen, living room, whatever.
My bedroom, bathroom, this'd be your room.
What happened here?
I got the urge to renovate. I'd have it fixed before you moved in.
-You want a drink? -Sure, some water.
-We don't share a bathroom, do we? -I never use the bathroom.
So how'd you find this place?
My ex-girlfriend worked in an emergency room.
When someone died she'd check their address, see if it was rent control.
-You lived with somebody? -Yeah.
For how long?
For a while. So what do you think?
I think I must be out of my mind.
Hey!
Shit.
Morphine for the pain.
Hey.
It was right after she moved out.
I just took an ax and started hacking away at it.
As if I thought opening up that wall might make it easier to breathe.
I don't smoke.
Whoa, girl.
You okay?
Oh, yeah.
What was her name?
Rebecca.
Put your shoes on, we're going downstairs.
-What's downstairs? -You'll see.
JANE: There are two realities:
First, we're in love and it's incredible, it's perfect.
Then poof! "Sorry, Jane, doesn't work for me anymore. "
-How's that possible? -You were living a fantasy.
Romance, true love, soul mates. It's all bullshit.
None of it exists. Trust me, I speak from experience.
Man, she really did a number on you, didn't she?
Don't shit on my broken heart. . .
. . .because you've converted to a warped brand of romantic atheism.
Oh, man, whoo. It's called self-preservation.
In other words, you narcotize yourself with casual sex.
That implies I avoid reality when, in fact, I embrace it.
-Casual sex is very liberating. -I'll bet.
-I almost feel sorry for her. -What for?
I make no pretenses. If she puts me up on a white horse, it's her choice.
We're all grownups here, Jane.
JANE: I lay awake that night wondering which was worse:
Guys like Ray who blinded you with charms and promises.
Or the Eddies who went right for your pants.
Oh, excuse me.
In the end, it didn 't matter. The truth was...
... they were all cast from the same mold.
But the question remained.
Why?
One day by the river, I found my answer.
Holy shit.
I told them dumbasses it'd never work. You can't fool a bull.
He knows where he's been. He won't go back.
Hell, I got 93 cows. Only one of them got 'nads. Why?
Because that son of a bitch can knock up the whole herd.
But once he's done, the party's over.
I gotta go to Ed Hickey's place and trade him for a new one.
There ain't a chance he'll touch any of them cows again.
-I figured it out. I'm the Old Cow. -I don't get it.
Remember laughing at the graffiti on the subway?
-"I love the toilet you sit on?" -"I hate banging the same woman. "
-It was true, a window into their-- -Schizophrenic behavior.
The New Cow Theory and "I hate banging the same woman. " Same thing.
Men can't commit because, eventually, we all become Old Cows.
We're identified as already serviced, so they seek less familiar females.
-The whole novelty thing? -Neophilia, to be precise.
-What do you think? -I think it's always about you.
You fall for a guy, men are worthy of heroic worship.
You're dumped, they're commitment-phobic asses.
The entire universe doesn't revolve around your romantic status.
You're in love.
-I'm almost in love. Almost. -Oh, honey, why didn't you tell me?
-You're having a spectacular mope. -Oh, my God!
We met at a work party a couple of weeks ago. It's just incredible.
And he's so and-- And I'm so and--
JANE: I appreciated Liz's intoxication over her seeming good fortune...
...but I refused to be derailed.
Now armed with my New Cow Theory, I became voracious for information.
-What are you doing? -Nothing.
-Hey! -What's this?
-"Amygdala, a.k.a. erotic nose-brain. " -Give it back!
"An organ in the nasal cavity connecting smells to memories.
Banana slugs, actually hermaphrodites. . .
. . .while mating, the males chew each other's penises off. "
I worry about you, I really do.
JANE: Despite my conviction, there was the occasional setback.
-I want my erotic nose-brain removed. -Pardon?
My amygdala, the organ in the nasal cavity that processes scent. . .
. . .which connects to memory. I'd like it extracted.
Why voluntarily make yourself anosmatic?
Let me see if I can explain this. I had this boyfriend.
And he smelled really, really good. Like soap. . .
. . .fresh laundry and vanilla.
Every time I smell those smells, I'm reminded of how happy we were. . .
. . .before he dumped me for no reason. And I get very sad.
Then I get angry, and before I know it. . .
. . .I'm in the throes of an emotional breakdown!
So I was thinking, Doctor Kline, if I could short-circuit my nose. . .
. . .I'd have a chance to live a seminormal life someday.
Hey, wait!
-Couldn't sleep? -No.
Me neither.
-This happen to you a lot? -Yeah.
Me too.
-Just like eating worms. -Yeah.
Talent. These are good.
Here.
Head back.
Yeah?
-Good. -Good.
Cold dumplings, my favorite.
-Way to go, Tomcat. Two points. -Tomcat?
-Cheerleader. -What?
-I was a cheerleader. -You were?
Paul G. Blazer High. Pride and joy of Cincinnati.
-State champs, 1 989. Go, Cats. -Go, Cats.
-Well, show me. Go on. -No.
-Why not? -I haven't done it in 1 0 years.
-Show me. -Do something that merits a cheer.
Like. . .three dumplings. Left-handed, in a row.
-You can't do that. -Deal? Deal.
One. Two. Three. Like that?
Come on. Go on. Go on.
-Do you promise not to laugh? -No. Come on.
-What are those? -Pom-poms.
Okay.
-I hate you. -It's okay.
Ready? Okay.
The Tomcats are here to show--
Ready? Okay.
The Tomcats are here to show who's top!
You think you can beat us, but we can't be stopped!
Go, Tomcats!
-First and ten-- -Eddie?
Oh.
I'm Jane. Roommate.
-Isabel. -Nice to meet you.
-You can clean up, it's your turn. -Okay. Good night.
We're a little noisy.
Hi, George, it's Jane--
I sensed things were off when he got back from L.A. . .
. . .but I thought he was tired. Then he says France isn't a good idea.
He'll have to work the whole time. Still, no big deal.
So he gets on a plane and goes alone. Right? Wrong.
An hour ago, I call to say good night.
Guess who answered, 1 :00 a.m., Paris time?
-Penelope Pope. -Who's Penelope Pope?
She's the answer to: "Who the fuck is this?! "
-Oh, God, Liz, I'm sorry. -I don't get it!
Why feed me all that romantic crap if he's just gonna cheat?
-Two words: copulatory imperative. -What?
The biological urge to spread seed.
Less than 5% of male animals are monogamous.
-The other 95% are. . . . -Plugging Penelope Pope.
RAY: Hi, Jane.
I stopped by H and H and picked up. . .
. . .a sesame seed bagel, lightly toasted, just like you liked.
Okay.
I hope Ray's cold turns into pneumonia and bed rest causes abs to atrophy.
Ben wants a women's column. It hit him, 20% of our readers are female.
The idea is for it to be about men.
How they're paranoid about going bald and whatnot.
-So? -Forget baldness.
The real issue is their behavior, their copulatory impulse.
-Imperative. More hot water, please. -I think you should write it.
-Are you crazy? -Well, why not?
-I'm not a writer or a psychologist. -So? We need someone with experience.
Liz, I don't know what I'm talking about.
I just have notebooks filled with ridiculous facts.
This is not a full-time job. It's a sick, twisted, pathetic hobby.
So get paid to write about your obsession.
If you want, we'll give you a pen name.
It'd be cathartic for you. Do your dear, sweet friend a huge favor.
Pen name, huh?
-I'm doing this once. One time. -Fine. It'll be fun.
I'm concocting the background of a nonexistent scientist. . .
. . .about to publish her delusional theories in a men's magazine.
You're right. This is fun.
Okay, try this. Born in Sussex, 1 937.
Cofounder of the lnstitute of Pathological Narcissism in Vienna.
Who is she?
The recently deceased Harriet Gould. No surviving relatives.
-She's perfect. She even has a bun. -That's her.
Dr. Marie Charles. Oh, my God.
Every bull begins a relationship with aces up his sleeve.
Tools of seduction by which he lures a New Cow.
One of the most notorious examples is the Current Cow Sob Story.
JANE: Allow me to deconstruct the essential elements:
You're so easy to talk to. Not like my Current Cow.
The Myth of Male Shyness:
You think he's flattering you? He's flattering himself.
Showing how sensitive and honest he is.
I just try so hard. I'm sure she doesn't mean to be a Cold Cow.
In case you think he's a cold-hearted womanizer. . .
. . .he'll say this to show he's leaving his Cow for a reason. . .
. . .and he's tormented by the thought of leaving her.
What do they say about the love of a good woman?
JANE: That, once offered, it'll come back and bite her in the ass.
Enter: case in point.
-Hey, you're not with what's-her-name? -Didn't work out.
Get a little saddle sore on your white horse? So, what happened?
-Lost interest. -What do you mean? How exactly?
Do we really have to have another postmortem?
I'm just curious is all. So you went to a movie? Then back to her place?
Then what?
We're in the kitchen, and she's looking for food.
We'd had dinner after the movie, but she's still hungry.
-She's always hungry, it seems. -And that's bad? Women who eat?
You're in the kitchen, she's hungry again, inexplicably. Then what?
So she takes out a pint of Häagen-Dazs. . .
. . .then starts eating it, standing there, out of the container.
-Something about it turned me off. -Was the refrigerator door open?
-Why? -Answer the question.
-It was open, I think. -Would it matter if it were shut?
Would that have made a nonfat woman eating ice cream less revolting?
What if she were hungry before shoving her face into a trough of Häagen-Dazs?
Is using a dish less repulsive?
-Good night, you psycho! -Good night, you neophiliac!
You sitting down? Oprah read the article on her show.
The audience loved it. She's begging for Dr. Charles to be a guest!
-What?! -Everyone in PR has a different story.
She's in Hong Kong, she's in Tangiers. . . .
-This is bad. -No, this is all good.
Trust me. I've got it under control. This won't come anywhere near you.
"While the male may seem shy. . .
. . .with his Uriah Heep hand-wringing and 'Aw, shucks' toe-kicking. . .
. . .he is actually a narcissist because this apparent shyness. . .
. . .belies the more deeply rooted feelings. . .
. . .of unworthiness and fear of rejection.
And this is what compels him to constantly seek attention. . .
. . .from New Cow after New Cow, ad nauseam, ad infinitum. "
This is such great stuff.
It destroys any sentimentality we have about what noble creatures men are.
Here's what we're looking for. It's provocative, it's clever.
It's got mass appeal.
But nobody can find this woman. The Today Show's tried, Oprah's tried.
-And have you tried? RAY: Eddie?
-Well, no. -Do you know what we're talking about?
-The "ungettable get. " ALICE: I don't care what it takes.
You find that Dr. Marie Charles and bring her to my studio.
Your friend works at M, and she has no idea where the doctor is?
-That's what she said. -I don't buy that.
EDDIE: Why are you holding out on me? JANE: I'm not.
-Give me her number. -No.
Besides, you'd never reach her. She's at Jivamukti.
-Yoga. -Yoga what?
Jivamukti.
-Manhattan. Jivamukti. -Eddie!
-It's a yoga place. -Eddie, don't be a jerk.
Eddie, come on, this is so ridiculous.
You have to leave your shoes in here.
Liz? Excuse me, is--?
Jerk, she's my best friend. I'd know if there's anything--
Jane?
Stay!
Bring your leg up. Sir, you have to leave.
Sorry. I'm just looking for a friend. Oh, God!
-You okay? -Eddie.
How you doing, Becca?
I'm good.
What are you doing here?
I, uh. . . .
I don't know.
Forget about this disturbance. It's okay.
Get back to your spaces and prepare for lion pose.
Inhale, exhale, open your mouths, stick out your tongue.
That was Rebecca? Eddie, talk to me.
There's nothing to talk about. Hi, Liz.
You cannot believe.
-Janie! -Hi, guys.
Eddie, this is Alice and Stephen.
-You're Eddie? -Yeah.
-Are you taking yoga together? -We were-- It's stupid.
-We don't think it's stupid. -We started a pregnancy class.
-Congratulations. -She's a great breather.
-Listen, I gotta go. -It was really nice to meet you.
JANE: Eddie preferred to leave things unsaid...
...and went back to grazing in greener pastures.
SANTA: Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas.
-I'll be back. -Okay.
-Two champagnes, please. -Yes, sir.
Shouldn't that be a champagne and a Shirley Temple? Sorry.
-No, you're not. -So where'd you meet her?
-She's Emily's roommate. -I made coffee for Emily last Sunday.
Mm-hm.
-Isn't that complicated? -It's never complicated, Jane.
-Thank you. DIANE: Blintzes, not Blitzen.
[LAUGHING]
-Good evening. What can I get you? -Scotch, please.
Hear Diane's joke about the reindeer?
Funny!
BARTENDER: Here you go. RAY: Thank you.
I miss you, Jane.
Am I supposed to walk away now?
No.
Can we get away from this? Can we do something?
Get together for lunch, dinner. Friday night?
-Friday is New Year's Eve. -Oh. That's right. That's right.
-You probably have plans. -Don't you?
Yeah. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I--
No.
I have none.
Could I call you? Would that be okay?
Yeah.
Merry Christmas, Jane.
You can't stop now. You're syndicated in over 300 newspapers.
Talk radio's having a field day.
-The world's one giant Used Cow lot. -I want to think about it.
Think? You don't want to be a postfeminist icon?
Let's get something great to wear for Julian's party.
I meant to tell you that I kind of made other plans.
-It's nothing major-- -What are you talking about?
-Ray asked me out. -Ray?
As in Ray Brown? As in devil incarnate?
No! No, I forbid it! I thought you were over this.
I'm having second thoughts.
Oh, so now Dr. Charles is having them too.
-Done yet? EDDIE: You got a hot date?
-No, I just have to pee. -Be my guest.
-What's this? Party Viagra? -No. It's nicotine gum.
-When did you quit? -Daphne wants to marry a smoker.
Here.
Thank you.
-Come out with me tonight. -To trail after your harem?
-I'm flying solo, keep options open. -Yeah?
[PHONE RINGS]
Although that may be for me.
-Hello. -Have you come to your senses?
No. Quit worrying about me.
Have a good time. I'll wear the lipstick you gave me.
-Okay, bye. -Bye.
Why are you doing this?
Doing what?
-Ray. -What are you talking about?
Okay.
If you change your mind, I'll be here.
Thanks. I think I'll just jump into my P.J.s. . .
. . .probably watch a little TV, go to bed early.
-Happy New Year. -Same to you.
NARRATOR: Back to our special New Year's Eve coverage with Hugh Downs.
It was less than 48 hours ago that Ray Brown called...
... to confirm plans with Jane Goodale tonight...
...a clear indication he regretted terminating their involvement.
So the question remains: Why hasn 't he shown up yet?
It appears that Mr. Brown is sticking firmly to his September sanctions.
[PARTY MUSIC PLAYS]
Ten, nine, eight, seven. . .
. . .six, five, four, three, two, one!
Happy New Year!
Jane!
Sorry.
-Jane? -Don't even bother.
-I need to talk to you. -Shh!
-Why didn't you return my calls? -After the one you didn't make?
-It's not true. -It's so true.
Stop for a moment.
-I know it's inexcusable. -Good morning.
-There's a reason I didn't go. -I'm sure.
-I don't care, so forget about it. -Will you hear me out?
You know what, Ray? The truth is-- Hi.
You did me a favor. Any delusions I had are gone now.
You released me. For the first time in months, I feel great.
-Staff meeting in two minutes. -Be right there.
What's wrong?
Diane's wearing your shirt.
The one I bought you on the sidewalk.
-So, are the two of you. . .? -We're seeing each other again, yes.
-I'm trying to explain. -Wait. Stop.
Did you say "again"?
I should've told you, but Diane insisted on keeping it quiet.
We got back together and went away for a while.
It's terrible that I didn't call--
MAN: Ray, I got Tony Robbins on line three.
-Go on. -I'm really sorry, Jane.
Hey, what is it?
-She's Dee. -I'm not following.
-Diane is Dee. -Yes, "D" is for Diane, "E" for Eddie.
Ray's Dee. She's the one. I mean, she was the one, she is. . . .
Whoa, whoa. Just breathe. Breathe, Jane.
-Ray and Diane are together? -Back together, again.
I get it. Let it go. Ray and Diane?
-Yeah! -Okay, it doesn't matter.
That chapter's over. We gotta go, so pull it together.
Do you hear me? Don't cry.
-Please. You'll be fine. -Okay.
-We're going in. Good. -Okay.
You all right?
Jane, where are we for next week?
We're set with Gìrard Depardieu. Right, Jane?
Oh, good. New movie?
Amazing. I actually. . . . I saw it.
It's about a man whose marriage falls apart. It's brutal.
You see the love story first. This woman means everything to him.
In fact, there's this scene where he actually sits in just a dark--
It's very touching. He sits in a dark room and just--
You just start to see the tears and stuff. The man is completely. . .
. . .broken and you really feel it. It's devastating.
Is this a joke?
No, what do you mean?
I mean, is this a joke?
No, I saw it two nights ago.
-What's so funny, Jane? -Can you believe this guy?
So sensitive. . .
. . .so devastated over some chubby French guy.
But stomp on somebody's real heart. . .
. . .and where's his pity then? Nowhere.
Why? He doesn't get it!
He never gets it! Someone explain it to me.
Because I don't know what you are talking about!
Evelyn, is she free?
-Yeah, she is. -Thanks.
I'm sorry, Diane. I don't know where that came from.
I know exactly where it came from.
-You do? -Some guy crushed you. . .
. . .and you lashed out at poor Ray as being representative of him.
-I'm right, aren't l? -More or less.
-Despite the hurt, you can't do it. -I know.
No, you don't know. Sit and listen to me.
I'm gonna let you in on a secret.
About six months ago, my boyfriend tried to leave me.
Well, he did, he left. I was devastated. I was destroyed.
Did you see it?
-No, I didn't. -Right.
Know why? Because if I fall apart, everything around me falls apart.
Everything that I have worked my entire life for.
-Do you love him? -Who?
Him. The guy.
-I don't know. -Yes, you do. Have you talked to him?
Well, no, not exactly talked.
Do it. Do it. Talk to him.
I used to feel that if I kept my heart to myself. . .
. . .if I never expressed how much I needed him. . .
. . .he would never leave me. Well, guess what? He did.
And I lived in a private, pathetic puddle.
Until I couldn't stand it. You know what I did?
I went to him with two corned beef sandwiches on rye, lightly toasted.
And I told him that I was lost without him.
You said that?
Pretty progressive, huh? And I'm happy.
Never thought I'd be happy.
LIZ: You believe her? This is love? What we should all be looking for?
That is so tragic.
Her boyfriend was screwing you in order to get away from her. . .
. . .and she's the authority on romance? She has to believe that crap.
She's an Old Cow.
All we need to do is adjust our radar a bit.
Learn to be attracted to men who don't attract us.
Hang on. What are you talking about?
Well, for example, normally. . .
. . .I'd be attracted to you. But thanks to Dr. Charles. . .
. . .I've learned to control my passion for testosterone.
And now I'm proud to say I don't find you attractive at all.
Well, gee, that's swell.
I need a drink.
-Does she know she's insane? -No, she's right.
-Ray cannot go back to an Old Cow. -Okay, that's it.
Jane, these are people, not cows.
Hello?
-I knew you'd take his side. -This isn't about sides.
It's about reality. You need to get a grip.
That's rich, coming from an emotional moron whoring through Manhattan. . .
-. . .using women like ATM machines. -Great.
So I'm a moron for sleeping around.
You, you get dumped and become the disciple of some crone scientist. . .
. . .who can't distinguish humans from animals.
-She is not a crone! -Who gives a shit?!
While you were buying these theories about why guys don't come back. . .
. . .you were hoping Ray would.
"Men are scum, but please, Ray, make a liar out of me. "
Well, you got what you asked for. He went back, but with the wrong girl.
It's over. Over.
-Why not let go? -Because.
-Because why? -Because I can't.
-Why? -Because I was happy!
Because if the theory is wrong, men don't leave all women, Eddie. . .
. . .they leave me.
I know what it does to you. I know.
Maybe that's why we hold on so hard.
We can't believe that such a miracle can happen twice.
But it can.
Someday you'll find it again. I promise you.
-Look at me, I'm a mess. -I'm looking at you.
And you're beautiful.
Hey.
You are beautiful.
You're intelligent. . .
. . .and real.
And Ray's not the last man you'll ever love.
I promise you he's not.
Hey.
Hi.
Listen. . . .
No, no, no.
-You're not gonna analyze this one. -I'm not?
No, no.
You want things to fit so much that you miss the fun.
You're rationalizing last night. Worried about what might've happened.
I get a kick out of spending an entire night with you in my arms. . .
. . .without copping a feel.
Well. . .maybe one.
-What? -Well, I'm relieved.
I mean, for a second l--
I thought maybe you thought last night was. . . .
Or that you would. . .
. . .think. . . .
That would've blown Dr. Charles out of the water, huh?
Temporarily, maybe. But you'd show your spots eventually.
My spots?
Come on, Eddie. Men never fail to do what's in their nature to do.
And what is that, Jane?
Disappoint you? Abandon you?
What's really behind these theories?
What are you hiding?
Nothing.
What you see is what you get.
Is it?
This is not about my nature. This is about yours.
[PHONE RINGS]
-Hello. STEPHEN: Janie?
-Stephen, can I call you back? -Your sister's in the hospital.
We lost the baby, kiddo.
Hey, Janie.
Did you see Stephen?
-I saw him in the hallway-- -Getting ice.
God love him.
They break so easily, don't they?
Last weekend, he woke up in a panic. He said he had to shop for the baby.
You know how anal he is, I thought he'd come back with. . .
. . .thermometers and baby blankets and safety gates.
But when he walked in the door, all he had was a little tiny bag.
Inside was this. . .
. . .this perfect little baseball mitt.
He got it in his head that it was gonna be a boy.
Jane.
STEPHEN: Okay, I've got ice.
I've got blankets. I've got magazines.
Look at my wife.
Have you ever seen anyone more beautiful?
You're nuts.
Diane, it's Jane.
I've found Dr. Charles.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
STAGE MANAGER: Everybody ready to have a good time?
You'll have to do better than that.
Let me explain how this show's gonna work, okay?
Ray, do we have her on the line?
Two minutes. Magazine's putting her through.
Two minutes.
Diane, two minutes.
STAGE MANAGER: So Diane's gonna come out for about a 1 5-minute segment.
The first interview's by telephone. Dr. Marie Charles.
Again, are you absolutely, 1 00% sure you want to do this?
JANE: I'm sure. I'm sorry.
LIZ: I want to be sure you're not insane. -Maybe I am.
-Here she is, Ray. RAY: Dr. Charles.
Welcome. I rarely have the honor to host such a distinguished. . .
...and extraordinary guest.
Today, Doctor Marie Charles speaks out for the first time...
-. . .since the publication-- -Already 20,000 hits on the web site.
-Holy cow. -The reclusive doctor has agreed. . .
. . .to an exclusive phone interview.
And I consider it a rare gift from someone whose work. . .
. . .has meant a tremendous amount in my life, as I'm sure yours.
Dr. Marie Charles.
Hello, Dr. Charles. Are you there?
Hello, Dr. Charles, can you hear me?
I'm not getting anything.
-Where the hell is she? DIANE: We have a technical difficulty.
We'll get it worked out.
-Patch it through on another line. -We only have one dedicated line.
-Take us to commercial. -She's here. She wants to go on.
Hold that, hold that. She's here.
It seems the reason we've been unable to get through telephonically. . .
. . .is because she's here, having decided to do the interview in person.
-Holy shit. -Let's not waste any more time.
Welcome Dr. Marie Charles!
-A little makeup. Just a little. -Stop! Stop!
DIANE: Show yourself, Dr. Charles.
Wake up!
What? Where's Dr. Charles?
There's no Dr. Charles. There never was.
I invented her, Diane.
I invented her because I had something to say.
And somehow I thought. . .
. . .if it were coming from a 65-year- old Ph.D., you'd see it the way I had.
As a truth, as a legitimate, scientific truth.
But it isn't. It's completely ridiculous.
I lied to you all, and I lied to myself because. . .
. . .the real truth is. . .
. . .that I was heartbroken and lost.
And ljust wanted to understand it somehow.
I wanted it to be about them.
So everything I thought I had figured out was completely upside-down.
I thought that this bull had gone to a New Cow, but she was an Old Cow.
What was I talking about? I was comparing men to animals.
Which, let's face it, sometimes they are.
But sometimes they are not.
Sometimes you open the barn door, or the hospital room door. . .
...or the bedroom door...
. . .and you find the real thing. You find a guy who. . .
. . .sits with you when you're at your worst, knee-deep in Kleenex. . .
. . .and your face looks like a punching bag and you're a mess. . .
. . .and he can still look at you and tell you. . .
. . .that Ray is not the last man you're ever going to love.
Eddie.
MAN: Jane, you all right?
Eddie!
Eddie! Eddie! Stop! Stop!
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
So, what you see is what you get?
Minus a few gray hairs and a Ph.D., yeah.
I'm really sorry, Eddie.
-You should have told me. -I should've told you a lot of things.
You were right.
It was about my nature.
Of everything you said to me that night, what scared me most. . .
. . .is that I would find it again.
Because I have.
Would you please say something?
No.
So you're saying. . . .
What have we got to lose?
-Everything? -Exactly.
Fixed By Geniuses Group ir_guitar@yahoo.com